Alrighty, it's time to run this sites first contest! I want your best joke(keep it fairly clean, the boss is watching!). Post them in this thread. Best joke as picked by me wins 5 cigars(up to $100 total) of your choice out of the Outlaw Humidor. As little profanity as possible. I will pick the winner on Thursday 28th at 6:00pm. The winner can pick up there cigars at anytime after that. Yes, you do have to come to the store to redeem your prize!

One of the funniest jokes I’ve ever heard, inflection in the voice adds that little extra but I’ll try it with text.

 

Two business partners are sitting on a train to a conference in Pennsylvania. They are both reading a paper when one of the men starts chuckling to himself.

 

His associate asks, “what’s so amusing?”

 

“Oh nothing.” replied the man.

 

“Come on, tell me.” the associate insisted.

 

“Alright, but it’s kind of dumb. This morning when I got to the train station I had one of those things, you know when you mean to say one thing but something else comes out?”

 

“A Freudian slip”

 

“Yeah, that’s it. Anyhow I walked up to the ticket window to get my ticket, but instead of saying “Ma’am, I’d like a ticket to Pittsburgh, I said ma’am, I’d like a picket to Tittsburgh!”

 

“Wow.” replied the associate. “I had the same thing happen to me this morning at breakfast with my wife! Instead of saying honey, could you please pass me the orange juice, I said .................................................................................................................................YOU B!TCH, YOU RUINED MY LIFE!!!!”

 

An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he 
called his lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer. How much is 
it or the express degree you told me about?"

"It's $50,000," the lawyer said. "But why? You'll be dead soon, 
why do you want to become a lawyer?"

"That's my business! Get me the course!"

Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer 
was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid.

Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and 
it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the 
lawyer leaned over and said, "please, before it's too late, 
tell me why you wanted to to get a law degree so badly before 
you died?"

In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said, 
"One less lawyer . . ."

-- 2/21/2008 6:24:54 PM: post edited by ozpod.

The young hotshot round these here parts!

A young America soldier was attending some college courses between assignments.
He had also completed missions in Afghanistan .

One of the courses had a professor who was a vowed atheist. One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He Looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes."

The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am God. I'm still waiting." It got down to the last couple of minutes when the young soldier got out of his Chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him; knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold. The young man went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence.

The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the soldier and asked, "What the hell is the matter with! you? Why did you do that?"

Came the reply,
"God was too busy today protecting our soldiers who are protecting your right to talk stupid and act like an asshole. So, He sent me"

Winny "If they don't smoke cigars in Heaven.....I'm not going.

A guy come's into a cigar stoe and ask how do you get a discount on cigar's

And the manager replys SMOKYBALLS

inside joke

Read this outloud to someone

I am we taught it

I am sofa king we taught it

Two little brothers, three and four years of age, decided to say their first dirty words at breakfast.  The four-year-old says, “I’ll say hell and you say ass.  I get the bigger word because I’m older.”

 

The three-year-old thinks about it for a second and then says, “Okay.”

 

They go to breakfast and their mother say to the older boy, “What would like for breakfast?”

 

He thinks about it for a second and then says, “Aww hell Mom, give me Cheerios.”

 

His mother picks him up and starts spanking him for using that kind of language.  She then sends him to his room until his father gets home. 

 

She then turns to the younger boy and says, “What would you like for breakfast?”

 

The three-year-old has watched this entire episode transpire.  Visibly shaking and with the last of his nerve he says, “I…, I…, I don’t know but you can bet your ass I don’t want Cheerios!”

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I've got a great cigar collection - it's actually not a collection, because that would imply I wasn't going to smoke every last one of 'em.       -- Ron White --

Okay, one more:

One Sunday in a picturesque country church, Satan burst in.  There he was in all of his horrible glory waving his pitchfork around at all of the people and scaring them all out of the church except for one little old fellow sitting in the back row.

 

Satan came up to him and said, “Don’t you know who I am?”

 

Little old man said, “Yep, sure do!”

 

That puzzled Satan.  He asked, “Well, aren’t you afraid of me?”

 

The little old man said, “Nope, not a bit!”

 

That caught Satan off-guard.  He asked, “Well, why aren’t you afraid of me?”

 

The little old man said, “Cause I’ve been married to your SISTER for the last 47 years!”

-- 2/22/2008 11:39:32 AM: post edited by skrumer.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I've got a great cigar collection - it's actually not a collection, because that would imply I wasn't going to smoke every last one of 'em.       -- Ron White --

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

Such number as may be deemed to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "The Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known as "The Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entry way, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties.

The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:

The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, said direction being non-negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (Lawyer) with every possible caution by the party of the first part (Lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (Light Bulb), notwithstanding the aforementioned failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) to perform the aforementioned customary and agreed upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as this agreement is concerned so long as the non-negotiable directional codicil (counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (Lawyer) throughout.

Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.

Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this selfsame document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non-negotiable.

NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by said party of the first part (Lawyer), by his heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him to do so, the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (north) door consistent with maximization of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "The Firm".

-- 2/22/2008 1:39:44 PM: post edited by tkoepp.

There are five things, above all else, that make life worth living: a good relationship with God, a good woman, good health, good friends, and a good cigar.

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Originally posted by dodge man

A guy come's into a cigar stoe and ask how do you get a discount on cigar's

And the manager replys SMOKYBALLS

inside joke

---

What the hell is a Stoe? By the way, your disqualified!